Maeghan Wrist----- 18 --I remained awake a few more hours as the sun rose. It gave me a lot of time to avoid my thoughts and just watch Ean sleep so serenely. Mom walked past the doorway down the hall with only a glance in. Several minutes later, she walked in juggling two sandwiches, a juice box and a glass of water. Trying to hand me the box, I turned her down and reached for the glass of water. “I don’t want any more sugar. I just want to feel bad. I don’t want energy,” I finished talking in a depressing manner. Mom seemed to fully understand and handed me the water as I scooted up to rest my back on the headboard. It felt weird in only a towel sitting on Ean’s bed with my barely covered hips half a foot from his sleeping face, while my mom pulled up his desk chair and sat beside me with the most motherly look in her eyes. We ate together silently the most amazing bologna sandwiches I had ever tasted. Finishing my meal, I was still so hungry but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want my mom to leave even for a few minutes to make me another sandwich. “Why did it really happen?” I asked. “Because I’m so young? Or because Ean is my brother?. .
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. ”“It’s exactly as the doctor said,” her voice flowed so softly. “Even in the healthiest of women, there’s a fifteen to twenty percent chance it can happen. It could have been a bad egg or defective sperm,”“No,” I butted in, “those were both great. ”Mom smiled and lifted her arm up to hold my cheek in her hand. Caressing the top of it with her thumb, she just looked so caringly into my eyes. “Can I try for another one,” I asked not sure whether I was joking fully or not. Mom immediately choked and proceeded with coughing. A few seconds after not being able to bring her voice back, she shook her head left and right. As much as I had warmed up to expecting a baby, the most horrible feeling I had ever felt of a little bit of relief was inside me. I hated myself so much for that. Mom moved her hand down to my knee. “Let’s wait until you get married first,” she cleared her throat with. I had to agree with her there. Only within the time span of the hundred years it would take me to find a husband would I be able to trust my body again to attempt another pregnancy.
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After that, I regretted talking at all. The massive amounts of conflicting and terrible feeling all began washing back over me. I pushed the paper plate from me and began humming to myself like I was trying to stop myself from vomiting. Quickly, my body instinctively scooted back down to Ean and I immediately pulled him into me. And as embarrassing as it was, I started crying into his chest. I couldn’t stop it even though I didn’t want my mom to see me do something so childish just seconds after we were talking. Losing myself in the dark world pressing into Ean’s chest, I felt mom squeeze my arm for a few seconds shortly before I heard the door quietly shut.
I cried and cried and cried wishing with everything that I could just fall asleep. But I wasn’t tired. My body laid awake next to Ean’s sleeping form for hours in tears. As I hugged him for so long and so hard, eventually, I noticed something moving between us. I couldn’t believe what I was feeling. Ean was getting hard in his sleep. I repositioned myself to let it pop into a more comfortable position. If there was one thing in the world Ean would always be prepared for in any imaginable situation, it apparently had to be sex.
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I laid with him about half hour longer thinking about that before I felt a deep breath of air blow into me. Ean was waking up. There were maybe three more gusts of his wind from his nose as I felt his hard penis press harder into my leg. Once I saw his eyes open though, he suddenly backed his pelvis away. “Sorry. ”“No,” I defended him. “I want you to have sex with me. ”“What?” His voice was almost offensive to me as if I was a bad person for wanting it. “Please. For punishment. I want you to use my body nonstop. I swear I won’t like it but I know I deserve it. That’s all I’m good for now. Just use me. It will at least kill some time.
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” My voice droned further and further down into depression. “No,” he said softly as if he understood my pain. “Ean,” my voice shook almost crying, “do it. Over and over a hundred times until finally everything in my head just stops. I can’t stand doing nothing anymore. If your body still can get happy, then please, use mine to make it. I’m only going to ever get better if I feel that I’m making some progress and right now I feel absolutely nothing. ”I rolled away from him onto my back and pulled apart the towel covering me. Spreading my legs a little, I laid there unable to move anymore muscles. All I could do anymore was stare at the ceiling as tears trickled one at a time down the sides of my face. “Please Ean. I need this. I won’t judge you. I know it will hurt you so much too but I can’t stand not doing at least something. ”He pulled his face up to mine to look into my eyes.
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“Don’t kiss me. Please. Just have sex with me.
”He had to have seen the sincerity in my blank eyes because he pulled away and removed his pants and boxers. Soon, he was over me taking his shirt off. Forcing my vision from the ceiling to his face, I stared through the kaleidoscopes my tears made and said my last words to him. “I’ll never say elephant. ”My sight retreated back straight above me as I felt the massive invasion into my torso. He took slow, deep, but very weak thrusts between my legs. So little effort was put into what was happening between us. It was all just to kill time. Over and over, my body pushed up and fell back down under his penetrations. His breathing became heavier but never very heavy. Time dragged on forever but lasted so short. Twenty, maybe thirty minutes passed before Ean’s arms gave way and he fell on me.
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At that instant, I felt the familiar warm faucet pipe thick cream into me. So warm and soothing. Ean was exhausted. I felt so little pleasure from it all as my mind just wanted to implode in its own guilt. Thirty minutes of slow, weak humping must have been a chore to Ean. But I got what I wanted. Under the slowing heart of my brother on top of me, I dozed into a painless sleep. I woke up with my eyes crusted over. It was dark out. Ean’s naked body laid curled up next to me. Two meals were set on the nightstand next to my head. More wetness trickled from my eyes. What was I putting mom through? How much was I hurting her in so desperately clinging to Ean for comfort instead of her?Silently, my sandwich disappeared into my mouth. Still hungry, I brought the other plate onto the mattress with me and ripped a tiny piece from the corner of the bread. I pushed it into Ean’s mouth.
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It was several minutes before he started chewing on it. By that time though, he started showing signs of coming out of sleep. Watching his eyes flicker open, I kept feeding him one tiny piece at a time. We got down half the sandwich in a half hour’s time. Before I could break another piece off after that though, Ean scooted his head to mine and kissed me. His lips locked on and he wouldn’t let go. It was either that, or I wouldn’t let him go. All I know is that we kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed. It wasn’t mad or passionate, it was soft and happy. I couldn’t open my eyes for anything but I swear some of the tears dripping about over my face weren’t mine. I wouldn’t open my eyelids to see my big brother crying for me. Maybe an hour passed, maybe two, but by the time we were done just holding onto each other and tasting the other’s face, I was so happy and so energetic. I wanted to just stand up and do something, anything. But all that entered my mind was one thing. “Ean?” I cooed guiltily to his face.
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“I know,” he responded as if he could read my mind. “Let’s go. ”Both of us pushed up and left the bed to put on our nightwear, I in my room. We met back up in the hallway and walked quietly into mom’s room. As gently as we could, we climbed onto her bed, each of us to her different sides. She obviously was woken up because she suddenly shifted onto her back and as we laid down, her arms wrapped around us. My face was pressed into her bosom where I met Ean’s being pulled in from her other side. I smiled and started tearing up again. -e. l. haneshanes_el@yahoo. com.
